#TWFT52 Prompt 20: The Word for This is "TRANSFORM"

Pulling my Self from the

inside out, shed

layers of mortified cells,

inches of hair that fell

to the floor; my nape

a place exposed, proud; pounds

slipped from rounded

spaces (mourning still,

forlorn emptiness where I once was

full). This is not

Yours or His;

This body is mine, all mine.

Do you think transformation is always visible?

How do you recognize it in yourself and in others?

Is it something that happens, or something you make happen?

His birthday was this past week. I don’t dread the date; it’s surrounded by other birthdays, other celebrations. But I’m always aware of it. Every year, She posts a tribute; She’s finally stopped tagging me. Her choice is clearer than ever, and provides more of the permission I shouldn’t need in the first place.

I’ve seen a lot of caterpillar-into-butterfly images lately, particularly in the realm of discussions about the chronic illnesses that seem to go hand-in-hand with ongoing traumas (still can’t allow myself to feel that, to accept that the word might really apply, that what I experienced counts). They don’t resonate; I like caterpillars for what they are, always have. And I wouldn’t choose butterfly to represent what I am, now, or what I’m becoming.

I remember the secret satisfaction more than four years ago, when some of the people She’d insisted on inviting to my forever-wedding (her “gift” somehow entitling her to that, my own denial still firmly in place). I didn’t wear traditional white, but a smoky, glittering grey; a petaled fascinator replaced a veil. I looked exactly the way I felt, exactly the way I wanted to feel.

When I walked down the aisle, these people who’d known me for four decades didn’t recognize me. They didn’t know who I was, as my son walked me down the aisle and the six of us made our family bond legal, in this second-chance life.

And again, now, whatever transformation is taking place, it’s not going to be recognizable to those who don’t *know* me. I’m not going to emerge in a form they can reconcile.