He didn’t mean it that way (how should He have meant it, when
He said
my ass belonged
to Him alone); He
said it with love (then why
did it hurt); you need to be
less sensitive
(numbed for decades), and
why would you think
your body was
your own?
Who in your world tried to negate your experiences?
How has others’ denial impacted you?
How have you used denial as a survival tool?
This one almost feels redundant to me, and perhaps obvious. I’ve written volumes on the subject; the gaslighting about others’ behavior, about my own experiences, both the acts of sexual abuse and the broader dynamics between me and the one who should’ve protected me.
(And yeah, feeling cliché and rebelling against how common the trope of the narcissist has become, in part because it’s so aligned with the facts – being just like others was a safety I was denied as well, Special Child Named After A Special Man, He called me, She named me, despite His contempt for both me and my namesake, his own father.)
I don’t want to enumerate the specifics; the level of frustration involved in reaching inward for any one of the countless examples isn’t something I’m prepared to do to myself today. I spent decades trying to explain.
And it’s hard not to frame up my childhood without comparing myself to others who conclusively, objectively, dealt with far worse – even though I’d tell anyone here (anyone anywhere) that their experiences are theirs and there’s no competition.
I guess I’m still doing it to myself. I guess the old voices haven’t been silenced.
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