Not good enough (never good enough), the primal refrain sustained, climbs the echo chamber walls, falls in the chasm between Who Loves You (Him) and Yuh Fat, Worthless, another trap where danger is safety and appearance is everything and kindness has grown untouchable; a terrifying launch into the gentle unknown.
How does fear manifest in your daily life? Who or what makes you afraid? Have you found ways to use fear to your advantage?
I don’t have a lot to say about what this means for me today, or at least, don’t have the energy to articulate it in a way that’s clear enough to be valuable for you, yet circumspect enough to protect what needs protecting. But I’m facing down a lot of fear right now, in multiple areas of my life.
It’s funny, how fear gets turned inside out. Security looks like a bank account balance, rather than the person in the bed next to you who’s promised to walk by your side through this life, to hold your hand and never let go, to lead when you’re frightened and aimless, to follow when your certainty is unshakable.
Security looks like yelling and mind games and gaslighting and isolation and you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t because you’ve been trapped in the slow boil between difficult and dangerous. Security is siding with Them because you’ve been conditioned to believe only They can help, protect, safe. Security is anxious, vigilant, working obsessively to stay a step ahead, just one step ahead. Security is the devil you know.
Fear is the backward fall into arms that say: I don’t know everything, I don’t have all the answers, but I’ve got you. We’ve got this.
It’s time to let go.
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