by Anonymous 181014
[Note: The process between me and my contributors can be deeply personal (and is anonymous unless they wish to handle otherwise). But in light of the subject matter and the contributor's stated age, I need to let readers know that I spoke at some length with her, and am comfortable sharing her story in light of our communications.]
I've never told anyone this story. I honestly don't think I'll ever tell anyone in my real life about this either; they wouldn't believe me anyway. But, I couldn't keep this quiet anymore. It's driving me mad. I'm a female by the way.
When I was in primary school – around age 9, but I might have been younger – someone in my family would sexually assault me on a daily basis. No matter how much I said I didn't want to. When I said no they would beg me to stay, I'd still say no so they would lock me in their room so I couldn't leave.
Even at a young age I knew this was all wrong.
This person in my family lived with us. I'm too scared and disgusted to say what position in my family they had. But it was a he. And he was 4 years older than me, so I guess you can guess.
He would lock me in his room and made sure I stayed on the bed. He would climb on me and touch me (if you know what I mean), kiss me. And I hated it.
I would cry and pull away as much as I could but it never worked. I gave up trying for a while, maybe a few weeks or months. I guess I gave up trying and lost hope. Until one day I started fighting it again. Eventually the person sexually assaulting me gradually started to stop. I don't know what happened, but I'd never felt so relieved in my entire life.
However, now I'm 17, and I still think about this every day of my life. When I see this person get so much love from my parents and the rest of my family, I feel sick. They don't know what he did to me. So now when I lash out at him, they see it as me being a bad person. They get mad and angry at me when I do this.
He's always been treated better than me throughout my life. My parents always preferred him. They give him everything and I get nothing. I'm their daughter. It feels like because of this situation I've become trapped. I have no one to talk to. Ever since this happened I've only had myself to talk to. In my head.
Every time I see him I want to scream at him for what he did to me. For what he's done to me. How I feel so alone because of him. But I don't I stay quite because I know if I did, my family wouldn't believe me because in the end it's my word against his. And they've always preferred him.
My family, friends and him will never know I cry myself to sleep about it regularly. How it's always there in the back of my mind and won't go away. But maybe now some people will understand. And know what I go through on a daily basis, as I still have to see my assaulter every day of my life.
Published as written, with light proofreading.
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