by Anonymous_181021
So just a few weeks ago, end of February [at the time of original writing], I was sitting at home in front of the family computer. My now-ex’s email pops up and I see only 5 emails in his inbox. Most people have 10,000.
The middle entry was a Craigslist email with some sexual subject. I believe it was "Real Hung Guy" or something. I clicked on it and found a dick picture, as well as a fully naked picture of him.
I texted and told him I found some pictures on the computer. He responded with, "Oh, I was going to send those to you to spice things up." I said, no, these were pictures that I found on Craigslist.
He says the marriage is over, and some other things.
I told him to please calm down and tell me what was going on. Who took that picture of him naked? He told me some guy. He was drunk in the city and went home with him. He was really embarrassed and left his house at 4 am. I asked if he had sex with him and he said he honestly didn't remember. I forwarded the emails to myself. I also found in his starred emails some other Craigslist stuff. I didn't look them over, but I forwarded them too.
He came home and I was waiting for him in the den. I asked what's going on. He said he doesn't know. He has compulsive behavior and he must act on this sort of thing immediately. I told him it was dangerous to have pictures of him out there and these people weren't real anyway. I told him if he's gay I can't help him, but if he's dealing with some chemical imbalance, I'll help him through it.
At first he said there was no helping him at all. He couldn't get sober with AA and he can't help his thoughts. A few minutes later he said he wants help. I suggested he make an appointment with his psychiatrist and we'd both go together. He agreed. I told him he'll be sleeping on the couch. He agreed. Also, a week before all this happened he had a one-week depression episode where he didn't speak with anyone in the house.
We went to the doctor and she agreed that he needs help. She didn't like what she was hearing. She put him on Abilify which is for schizophrenia, bipolar and mood disorder. The lowest dose. He wasn't happy as he felt it would change his personality and he'd become a vegetable.
For the next few weeks we met every evening after dinner. To try and connect again. It was going well and he eventually moved back upstairs. We weren't sleeping together, but just as roommates. He claimed his back hurt on the couch.
Reconnecting, I thought, was going well. We decided that we were in a place that we'd like to sleep together again. But first we'd like to go on a date. Make it special. Turns out that that morning we planned to, we slept together first, then the date.
In other words, we did it his way instead of mine. That was Saturday.
Then on his birthday, a few days later, we had a busy night. Work, kid sports, dinner... we weren't up for reconnecting. He went downstairs to "chill" and I went up to bed. The next day we reconnected and something was off. Lack of eye contact again. I confronted him and he denied anything at all.
Next day I'm back at the computer after work and I see another Craigslist email. I text him and he says his birthday was hard for him and he sent out another Craigslist. He said he went straight to bed after he sent it and never checked to see if anyone responded. He said he only sent one.
I click on some links and found a second one. He denied it and said someone was framing him. He even wrote out his phone number instead of numbers so it would be harder to find. I said ok, I'll respond to it as if I was interested.
At this point I went from the upstairs computer to my laptop. He gave me his email login info so he could prove to me that it wasn't him... after all, no response would come through, right? All he proved was that he had a second email address.
I clicked on this "starred" emails and found over 3,000. I found a video dating back a year – of him having a ménage a trois. He was fucking the guy. I told him I found a video.
I kept going back and found a whole bunch of interesting material. Google chats with a woman, dating back to 2015, referencing a relationship going back further. I found more Craigslist stuff. I found that he set up a separate phone number and that he had been meeting people.
I told him I found all this and he texted that he's never coming home. He said he'd rather die than tell me the whole story.
I had to take a big exam the next day and told him he had to come home. He refused. He said he'll never talk about it. Never tell me. I said I'll email your mom the video. He came home.
He gave me enough info... but mostly, I think, lies. I asked when was the last time he had an extramarital affair. I'll never forget the look on his face when he thought about it and said "seven months." He said that was why he was depressed the other time. No one wants him.
I told him that at this point I need to call my parents and that is the point of no return. He said fine. I called my parents and they were at a party. I told them I needed to talk. They knew it was something big. I told them everything I knew. They would still be out of state a few more days and I reassured them that I didn't need to have them home ASAP.
I went back downstairs and told him that I told them everything. I told him that as of that moment, we are separated. He asked what that meant. I said he's now free to do all this stuff and guilt free. I asked him how many partners he's had and he said he didn't know.
He went to his parents’ house to tell them. I don't believe he told them the truth. A variation, perhaps, that he had an affair with a woman when he was off his medication.
He came back to the house to get some clothing. He was just coming in the house when I grabbed the kids and told them that we were separating. It wasn't anything they did, I reassured them. He left.
The next day he came back for some clothing and began telling me that he didn't sleep well. Like he wanted sympathy. I gave him none. I had to take a test! He drove my son to a friend’s house and hung around for a while. My daughter didn't leave her room. He told me he was uncomfortable being there and asked to leave. He did.
I passed the exam! No clue how.
He hasn't been back since…
That was over six months ago. Since that happened, I’ve found out so much more. A credit card opened in my name with just under $10,000 owed, numerous passwords saved on the home computer to cheating websites. Not dating ones, cheating ones. Dating back eight years.
It’s impossible not to keep going, keep uncovering, finding new things out. The bank statements, showing he frequented cheap motels on a very regular basis. Drinks out a few times a week, when we were sleeping. Flowers to call girls, when he’d tell me we didn’t have any money. He spent my paychecks on all of this.
Trust is something that I no longer have. Forget about trusting him. Every word was a lie. Co-parenting is not possible.
But I can’t trust myself. That’s the hard part. My barometer needs to be recalibrated. Who can I trust? Whose hand can I hold? My friends? That’s the hardest part. People I once shared a life with are no longer there, as if I am guilty of some crime.
I had to get tested for STDs when it first unfolded, and now again. I got a false positive for one test. I need another re-test. FUCK! It never ends.
My new normal involves single parenting and a lot of therapy. Learning to trust, learning to breathe. Learning that people tell lies that other people believe.
I can’t blame them. I believed him too.
Published as written with light proofreading, line break adjustment, and redacting.
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